Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand All of the smart people get on a boat and party and have a great time. Then the boat sinks. In a twist ending it was The Titanic.
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien A giant floating eye wants his ring back but a bunch of dicks throw it into a volcano. In an unrelated subplot a gray anorexic leper also gets tossed into the volcano.
Twelve Angry Men by Reginald Rose Twelve jurors discuss a murder trial. None of them recognize renown actor Henry Fonda, who pretends to be an architect.
The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank A little girl hides in an attic for some reason. The authorities try to find her but are unsuccessful. She publishes her book and makes millions.
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers A depressing snuff novel about a deaf guy who kills himself. The film adaptation has a laugh track.
A friend(-ly stalker) sent me his completed novel (which is EPIC and will make him a googlianaire). I felt like the only thing it was missing were freshy awesome metaphors. Skip ahead a few emails and here are a few phrases I cooked up to enhance his manuscript. Please use these in your own writing be it a short story, novel, or suicide note but make sure you credit me as good people.
“her fervent pratfalls were like unto a fire god munching on coals…”
“like Pierce the aptly named knife-wielding maniac, she pierced the man’s arguments”
“her voice was like a trident MADE OF LIGHTSABER”
“she stole the kid’s sucker like a homeless guy peeing on a box of kittens.”
“her hair waved in the wind like a medusa army, a thousand strong”
“roughly she choked, much like a puppy at my Church’s annual puppy drownings”
“she ripped out the man’s heart and squished it like an orange in an avalanche.”
“there she stood as defiant as that actor who plays James Bond in that movie Defiant”
“her purse was dope, literally made out of cocaine.”
I’ve had a pretty hectic schedule despite 1) having no college and 2) having no job and 3) having no friends. Somewhere in all the resume distributing and cabin renovating I’ve gone from successful college graduate to stinky raincoat guy, but that might just be the weather. At least I’ve been able to go into my special place in the sorta hobby mostly lusty abandon that is Warhammer 40,000.
Hopefully above I’ve captured if not my talent or skill then at least my appetite for painting what is essentially Lord of the Rings with laser guns. More when I find the little connector cable between my iPhone and my mac.
A bizarre off-shoot of “It’s Only Human (If It Dies),” I was commissioned to produce several parodic sci fi commercials as harbinger of the upcoming musical production. The commercial, as well as its brother “Oscar’s Robot Junkyard Emporium,” were then organically integrated shoved into the film release. Zach Lemke and a covert Will Barton star, with Mathew Javadi providing narration.
Well, hey there. I’ve been Internet-less for a large portion of Summer yet somehow enjoying myself. Apparently there are “lifey” activities as fun as perusing Topless Robot or Cracked. Like fishing. Well, not fishing. But other things. And I’ve been doing them. Road trips, paintball, camping, grilling, horror movie-athons, et cetera. Now that I’m a graduated man I can do whatever my bank account permits i.e. purchasing a compact bow for the much needed manlification of my lifedom. Additionally, a certain relaxing (and nerdly) hobby has reappeared: the painting, configuration, and playing of Warhammer 40K. Pictures soon. Summer nearly over I’ve decided to finally begin a project I’ve mostly declined through my creative writing “career” - the creation & completion of a first novel. There’s an idea that’s been scratching the back of my brain meat for some time - a science fiction adventure-comedy (*urkle* I know I know…) that wouldn’t require Hemingway-level chops. It’s simple, sorta funny, sorta entertaining, and wouldn’t tear me apart if it flopped. So here goes.
Lip Bomb is an outrageous group of spoken word-a-holics who mostly met in Kip Fulbeck’s spoken word course Art 137, with a few stragglers (like myself) added later. These seriously attractive people decided to continue performing and writing and freaking out beyond the occasional classroom gig, leading to the bombastic foundation of the group. I’m consistently stoked by Lip Bomb’s bad ass bravado, affable antics, and meticulous humor (although my excitement might be reticent at times since, if anything, I’m the Pierce Hawthorne of the group - older, cynical, less-wise). Now as I retire (err, well, graduate) I have an obligation to pay Lip Bomb some lip service: keep it up, youngsters! You’re walking, talking, definitely-not-balking bombshells and you do beautiful things.