Desmond Wilder

Another robocentric commercial I directed/shot/wrote not...

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 00:10:54 -0800

Another robocentric commercial I directed/shot/wrote not necessarily in that order. Stars Edrick Sarkissian and the very useful Ben Brown.

Wilder Reviews! Part 1

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:53:00 -0800

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
All of the smart people get on a boat and party and have a great time. Then the boat sinks. In a twist ending it was The Titanic.

The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
A giant floating eye wants his ring back but a bunch of dicks throw it into a volcano. In an unrelated subplot a gray anorexic leper also gets tossed into the volcano.

Twelve Angry Men by Reginald Rose
Twelve jurors discuss a murder trial. None of them recognize renown actor Henry Fonda, who pretends to be an architect.

The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
A little girl hides in an attic for some reason. The authorities try to find her but are unsuccessful. She publishes her book and makes millions.

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers
A depressing snuff novel about a deaf guy who kills himself. The film adaptation has a laugh track.

More spoken word- this time with Right Side Up Poets and this...

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:45:00 -0800

More spoken word- this time with Right Side Up Poets and this time at SOho, a fancy schmancy restaurant/music club. Advert here, article here.

Writing Advice to a Friend-Writer-Blob

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 00:39:00 -0800

A friend(-ly stalker) sent me his completed novel (which is EPIC and will make him a googlianaire). I felt like the only thing it was missing were freshy awesome metaphors. Skip ahead a few emails and here are a few phrases I cooked up to enhance his manuscript. Please use these in your own writing be it a short story, novel, or suicide note but make sure you credit me as good people.

Here goes:

“her fervent pratfalls were like unto a fire god munching on coals…”
“like Pierce the aptly named knife-wielding maniac, she pierced the man’s arguments”
“her voice was like a trident MADE OF LIGHTSABER”
“she stole the kid’s sucker like a homeless guy peeing on a box of kittens.”
“her hair waved in the wind like a medusa army, a thousand strong”
“roughly she choked, much like a puppy at my Church’s annual puppy drownings”
“she ripped out the man’s heart and squished it like an orange in an avalanche.”
“there she stood as defiant as that actor who plays James Bond in that movie Defiant”
“her purse was dope, literally made out of cocaine.”

I’ve had a pretty hectic schedule despite 1) having no...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:24:00 -0700

I’ve had a pretty hectic schedule despite 1) having no college and 2) having no job and 3) having no friends. Somewhere in all the resume distributing and cabin renovating I’ve gone from successful college graduate to stinky raincoat guy, but that might just be the weather. At least I’ve been able to go into my special place in the sorta hobby mostly lusty abandon that is Warhammer 40,000.

Hopefully above I’ve captured if not my talent or skill then at least my appetite for painting what is essentially Lord of the Rings with laser guns. More when I find the little connector cable between my iPhone and my mac.

A bizarre off-shoot of “It’s Only Human (If It...

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 17:48:00 -0700

A bizarre off-shoot of “It’s Only Human (If It Dies),” I was commissioned to produce several parodic sci fi commercials as harbinger of the upcoming musical production. The commercial, as well as its brother “Oscar’s Robot Junkyard Emporium,” were then ~~organically integrated~~ shoved into the film release. Zach Lemke and a covert Will Barton star, with Mathew Javadi providing narration.

Life presumes there's something going on.

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 09:10:00 -0700

Well, hey there. I’ve been Internet-less for a large portion of Summer yet somehow enjoying myself. Apparently there are “lifey” activities as fun as perusing Topless Robot or Cracked. Like fishing. Well, not fishing. But other things. And I’ve been doing them. Road trips, paintball, camping, grilling, horror movie-athons, et cetera. Now that I’m a graduated man I can do whatever my bank account permits i.e. purchasing a compact bow for the much needed manlification of my lifedom. Additionally, a certain relaxing (and nerdly) hobby has reappeared: the painting, configuration, and playing of Warhammer 40K. Pictures soon. Summer nearly over I’ve decided to finally begin a project I’ve mostly declined through my creative writing “career” - the creation & completion of a first novel. There’s an idea that’s been scratching the back of my brain meat for some time - a science fiction adventure-comedy (*urkle* I know I know…) that wouldn’t require Hemingway-level chops. It’s simple, sorta funny, sorta entertaining, and wouldn’t tear me apart if it flopped. So here goes.

1 - The peeps2 - The peeps (all chalked up)3 - The brochure

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 13:41:00 -0700

1 - The peeps
2 - The peeps (all chalked up)
3 - The brochure

Lip Bomb is an outrageous group of spoken word-a-holics who...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 13:25:00 -0700

Lip Bomb is an outrageous group of spoken word-a-holics who mostly met in Kip Fulbeck’s spoken word course Art 137, with a few stragglers (like myself) added later. These seriously attractive people decided to continue performing and writing and freaking out beyond the occasional classroom gig, leading to the bombastic foundation of the group. I’m consistently stoked by Lip Bomb’s bad ass bravado, affable antics, and meticulous humor (although my excitement might be reticent at times since, if anything, I’m the Pierce Hawthorne of the group - older, cynical, less-wise). Now as I retire (err, well, graduate) I have an obligation to pay Lip Bomb some lip service: keep it up, youngsters! You’re walking, talking, definitely-not-balking bombshells and you do beautiful things.

"I AM JAMES HOLMES A STAFF OF NATWEST BANK LONDON I HAVE A BUSINESS PLAN I WISH TO SHARE WITH YOU..."

Tue, 29 May 2012 10:55:52 -0700

“

I AM JAMES HOLMES A STAFF OF NATWEST BANK LONDON

I HAVE A BUSINESS PLAN I WISH TO SHARE WITH YOU CONTACT ME FOR MORE DETAILS

”

- An email from James Holmes, a staff of Natwest Bank London. I think their caps lock key is stuck.

Mendengar Saya Mengaum!

Tue, 22 May 2012 10:31:00 -0700

I’m an expatriate - a global caste enlightened about other cultures and ignorant of their own. My parents didn’t have this problem. The old man hails from silent mountain men, regular Jeremiah Johnsons; Mom a lineage of New Orleans socialites.

Obligatory family photo.

The old man started working foreign assignments when I turned four. International accommodation held many advantages to a family man: cultural enrichment, sure, but also less taxes, a higher income base, and easy access to vacation cooldowns. Then there was the real estate, the Goddamn mystifying real estate. Case in point:

Sumatra, Indonesia (4-13 y.o.a.)

We couldn’t afford color blinds on our windows, not with kids in Disney shirts waving from the roadside, young women working the rubber trees, old men smiling with malachite teeth. There was the wealthy International conglomerate and the poor indigenous nationals and all that separated us were barbed-wire fences and fat bank accounts. I spent my day learning standardized U.S. History; my nights playing soccer with a ball made of teak root. Some locals dropped a hornet nest on my head. I thought 9/11 occurred in Kuala Lampur.

Tianjin, China (13-18 y.o.a.)

The skies were gray. There were no pigeons but deadly chemicals disguised as bread crumbs spread into the streets and iron spikes on rooftops. We couldn’t let the animals outside - I wondered if it was because of the poisons or the markets, where vendors lined their stalls with freshly gutted dogs. The Chinese saw us less as bourgeois and more as comedically autistic. Strangers would call their friends over to laugh at my large feet. A business man wanted my picture by a bull statue’s testicles. Poverty had been swept behind smiling skyscrapers and the endless ranks of cranes. Our U.S. passports could only get us so far. From there on it was knowing which barbershops cut your hair and which were fronts for brothels.

Lecheria, Venezuela (18-22 y.o.a.)

We lived in a rich man prison - a network of mansions connected by a network of canals. Transport options included travel-by-yacht. I’d take the boat to the Mall, tie her up, watch a film with English subtitles. Or take her out through the break to open water, maybe visit one of the islands and fish like Ernest Hemingway. We said whatever we wanted about Hugo Chavez. The taxi drivers never agreed with us. Nothing could stop our wanton - not the insurgents, not the kidnappers who took our neighbors, not the pirates asking for agua with pistols behind their backs, not the man who collapsed in the Wendy’s drive-through with a bullet in his shoulder.

Santa Barbara, California (18-22 y.o.a. simultaneously)

UCSB. I met a variety of people, some who intended me great harm or disservice. UCSB. I’m idling incognito, an exclusive ooze, wasting away with a cynical smile. I don’t know the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody. I’m a little New Hampshire, a little New Orleans. I have scars on my legs from jungle hornets, a little red book full of Mao. I haven’t seen Shane or Zoolander or Groundhog Day. I think in languages I never use. I walk along landing strips and thumb airplanes. I would never play tricks on Gimpel the Fool.

I’m an expatriate, both brahmin and untouchable. Hear me ~~roar!~~ ramble.

The Reel Loud Film Festival is UCSB’s biggest film...

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:30:57 -0700

The Reel Loud Film Festival is UCSB’s biggest film festival (Santa Barbara’s being SBIFF to which real famous people annually attend). Reel Loud is best described here in an article asking for more money. To make it easier on your clicker finger, I’ll post the important stuff:

For 21 years now, Reel Loud has been a way for UCSB students to demonstrate their passion for filmmaking. We want to continue this tradition by simply allowing our student community to do what they do best: make fantastic films for a larger public upwards of 800 attendees. Reel Loud is unique in both concept and practice — it melds the tradition of silent films with the creativity of modern filmmakers and begs for a reinterpretation of a style that has lost popularity over time. As was the tradition in early theaters, Reel Loud requires that all films are shot on 16mm film stock and accompanied by live music, creating an ambiance that is unlike any other in contemporary cinema.

and

It is the 21st year of this prestigious festival. We welcome you to join us in mourning the Death of Cinema. Attend a wake you will never forget while enjoying some of UCSB’s finest students collaborating to create an amazing event.

Also, there’s a flashly but mostly useless website here.

My 16mm black-n-white short film “Bare Romance” was...

Tue, 15 May 2012 12:33:12 -0700

My 16mm black-n-white short film “Bare Romance” was just admitted into the Reel Loud Film Festival 2012.

Bare Romance
United States
2:43 minutes

SYNOPSIS An avant-garde comedy about a naked guy (Zach Lemke) who shows up at a party and feels ostracized and different… because he’s naked.

“Cute” ~ UCSB Film Co-op
“I wish they’d shown more of Zach’s butt” ~ Reel Loud Film Committee

Anyway, come to the Reel Loud Film Festival on May 25th, 8 PM, at Campbell Hall, UCSB, and see my short. Or wait until I digitalize the film and put it up on youtube. Either way, you win. Thanks to all the wonderful peeps who helped out, but especially to naked people Zach Lemke and Ruth Luna, and the band Each Piece who’ll be playing live at the show. Here’s their soundcloud account.

A mockumentary web series about a musical director trying to...

Tue, 15 May 2012 12:21:00 -0700

A mockumentary web series about a musical director trying to show the “sexual side” of Spontaneous Human Combustion.

The first episode of Spontaneous Human Combustion, The Musical. We shot this over the Summer of 2011 with a Panasonic DVX100B, a Zoom, and $50 that I spent on a penis costume. I’ll be posting three a week so check it out and subscribe!

Wrote the following breviaries for the paper. Their purpose is...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 23:57:00 -0700

Wrote the following breviaries for the paper. Their purpose is to lend a Criterion chic to KINOTEK, our alternative movie venue at UCSB. Here’s our website.

Fight Club
United States - 1999 - 139 minutes - English

SYNOPSIS The first couple of rules of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. Fortunately, Kinotek is all about breaking the rules. Fight Club,directed by David Fincher, is a gritty cult classic based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk. In sequential flashbacks, a disoriented corporate employee (Edward Norton) befriends a nihilistic soap salesman (Bradd Pitt) and creates an underground network of “fight clubs.” The result is a disturbing post-modern epic that gives the finger to an age of mass consumerism.

Pulp Fiction
United States - 1994 - 154 minutes - English

SYNOPSIS Pulp Fiction is a 1994 nonlinear crime drama that established both Quentin Tarantino’s reputation and iconic film-making trademarks. Featuring clever performances by John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Tim Roth, Uma Thurman, and Amanda Plummer, three stories intersect in bizarre and ironic twists through highly-stylized vignettes. This multilayered homage to Jean-Luc Godard, film noir, and B-List Teen Movies of the 90s remains one of the most engaging and compelling films of the 20th century.

The Ghostbusters
United States - 1984 - 105 minutes - English

SYNOPSIS In Ivan Reitman’s quirky slapstick, an oddball team of parapsychologists combat the supernatural with tongue-in-cheek science and deadpan snark. A cataclysm of special effects and comedy, The Ghostbusters remains just as scary, sly, and satirical as its 1984 debut. Billy Murray is at the peak of his wit, working brilliantly alongside comic geniuses Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, Dan Aykryod, and Sigourney Weaver.

Pictures from It’s Only Human… (…If It Dies). More here.

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 14:31:00 -0700

Pictures from It’s Only Human… (…If It Dies).

More here.

Big bald head, pink glasses, sandals with socks

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:05:00 -0700

Sitting in my weekly Literature Symposium. Today’s topic is Marvin Mudrick, the sardonic founder of UCSB’s College of Creative Studies and winner of 1925’s Silliest Name Award. I like to think he was the secret fifth founder of Hogwarts, but that’s a joke for another genre.

My latest (and longest) project. Christine Rogers, one of the...

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:03:00 -0700

My latest (and longest) project.

Christine Rogers, one of the actors in my webisode series Spontaneous Human Combustion: the Musical, asked me to join an interdisciplinary course designed to create a staged musical by Spring. The program was comprised of music composers in dire need of writers.

Imagine a musical theater laboratory/think-tank within the confines of CCS! Giving birth to a hot concept, fanning its first febrile sparks, refining it in the crucible of two quarter’s feverish but fun work, and then moving to display it to the University community in early spring! Now imagine it taped by UCSB Television Services, produced for UCTV and uplinked on Dish Network!

The “CCS MUSICAL—Creative Team” will engage CCS writers and composers as lyricists as well as tunesmiths, discovering how lyrics and tunes weave inextricably together in this special art form. A talented, veteran performer will anchor the production crew and help recruit the cast.

NOW, our musical makes its debonair debut at the Old Little Theatre on the UCSB Campus, 8 PM, on April 4th, 5th, and 6th. $5 for students/$10 for non-students.

Somewhere over the rainballs… I’ve been asked to...

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:38:00 -0800

Somewhere over the rainballs…

I’ve been asked to revive my one-hit wonder “How to be a Man: Splitting Firewood with my Face and other Manly Skills” for Wizard of Balls: A Night of Spoken Words. The show is being put on by Lip Bomb, a spoken word group on campus. The show’s TONIGHT, as in Friday, March 9th, 2012, at 7:30 PM sharp in the Theater & Dance Room 1701. Here’s a blurb about the show:

Lions and Tigers and Balls, OH MY!

We’ve all been scared before, worried, wondering, “Where are my balls?” Well, we were thinking the exact same thing. Come along on our journey down the yellow brick road in search of our courage fruit.

I know I haven’t blogged much lately and here’s why....

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:31:06 -0800

I know I haven’t blogged much lately and here’s why. Ben Shukman, myself, and other peeps have been working on this project for the past couple months: KINOTEK, an alternative movie venue in Isla Vista. Above, The Bottomline reports on what was a 160 person turn-out. Rock!